Revenge for grandma

As the song goes, "Grandma got run over by a reindeer..." I will say I took revenge upon the deer population yesterday in her memory. I am not a doctor but I was able to put the front end of my car half way up the ass of a deer yesterday.

I was driving back from my parents house yesterday. I was on this two lane country road and everyone in the car was asleep. Things were going great, we were making good time, I was listening to my music the sun was starting to set and all was perfect with the world. The weather was unusually warm for a December and we had just finished up a really nice weekend. I had a chance to have dinner with my best friend and his family on Saturday, the Cincinnati Bengals had just one a football game and all just seemed right with the world.

I had rounded a bend in the road and was just about to the massive four lane highway which would whisk us safely home. That's when I saw Blitzen. He had darted across the road well ahead of me and my instincts took over. I let off of the gas and gently tapped the breaks on my car. I watched the first dear run into the field to the right when in the corner of my eye to the left, I saw the second deer. I will affectionately refer to this deer as a Cannon Fodder.

Cannon Fodder broke for the same field as Blitzen had gone. Cannon Fodder was a lot farther behind his buddy and when I saw him start onto the road, I tired to push the clutch and break pedals through the floor board of my car. It was my version of the Flintstones, but to no avail. As CF crossed into my lane he stopped, (dip shit) and looked up at me. Just before I gave him the rectal exam from hell, our eyes met. He seemed to be daring me to hit him. I guess he thought I had that insurance which pays you cash when you can't work.

When Cannon Fodder and my car met, my car initially won. Cannon Fodder shot strait up into the air like an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile. He looked at me the entire way up. It was kind of funny to see the shock and awe in his eye. CF seemed to be questioning why I would do such a thing. As he went flying through the air, his body had been pitched up side down and in true Wylie E. Coyote fashion, his legs were still running.

The impact stalled my car out. CF landed on the road a few feet from the car and cartwheeled into the weeds. By now, everyone in the car was awake and wondering what had happened. I was looking over the bent hood of my car at the deer and trying not to curse profusely. We were in a blind spot in the road so I started the car up and and drove it to the side of the road and started to make the phone calls.

My first call was to my father, I needed to secure transportation for myself and my family. My father, who has also bagged a deer with a Minivan, asked me what was wrong. I told him I had hit a deer. My father is a great guy, but I was under a lot of stress at this point in time, and he said "You hit a what?" I have been a smart ass for the better part of 10 years and even now that pops up and I fired back. "I hit a big brown furry creature with my fucking car!" There was a moment of silence and the he asked me where I was at. I told him and he was on his way. I then called the State Police and AAA. And all was well.

So I lied. By now "dear" readers of my blog, you should know that things are not that simple in my life. It turns out giving a deer a tattoo with a Ford hood ornament is the easy part. Dealing with the people who specialize in this sort of thing is a whole different ballgame.

I called AAA for assistance, and as it turns out, I got a person who had been on the job for approximately 4 hours. She was a new hire and I know she meant well, but evidently she had not been farther away from home that 400 yards. She asked me what City and State I was in. I told her that I was not in any city, but on a country road. She asked me what state I was in and I told her Ohio. There was a long pause and she asked me again what city I was in. I was not in any city and she had a very difficult time grasping this concept. Ohio is a big state filled with several metropolitan cities, but I was not anywhere close to any of these. She didn't seem to grasp the concept I could not be in any one of these areas.

To be continued...