A new year is upon us and I have been in a reflective mood. I am also looking forward for 2009. This is going to be the year that the EAC reaches world domination. More on this later. Like I said I have some thoughts I would like to share with you and hopefully you will keep this in mind through the year. Hope your new year will be great.
1. If you are going to rob a bank, make sure that you put the panty hose on your head and not on your legs. Also stick to the nude colors, it can be too difficult to see through the colored ones.
2. If you use the restroom and the sounds you make in there sounds like someone is beating a wolverine to death with a spoon, you might want to see a specialist.
3. Avoid direct eye contact with a rabid cow.
4. If ever asked why you were late for something, say that you were saving children from a burning orphanage so if you are challenged about it, you can fire back and ask if the person has something against children. This helps to turn the tide in your favor.
5. If your boss's weight, IQ and SAT scores match, you might want to find a new job.
6. If you are ever presented with the opportunity to pull your buddies finger. DO IT!
7. If you ever have to drop a deuce in public, try to do it on someones lawn you don't care too much about.
8. Random bouts of nudity is not really all that bad of a thing.
9. If you ever find yourself in the woods being mauled by a bear, just let him finish, besides you probably did something to piss him off in the first place.
10. If you are a friend of mine and you wake up in jail one morning, don't call me to bail you out as I will be sitting right next to you saying "Damn that was cool."
Like I said 2009 is the year of the EAC. Applications are being accepted, more than likely, you will not be admitted, but feel free to apply. The first step for applying is to subscribe to this blog. If you have further questions, please feel free to ask me, the King and CEO of the EAC. Have a good year.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Rocket Surgery
The Holiday Season is almost over and I will be the fist in line say Hell Yea! Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my family and watching my girls open up their presents, but it seems to me that the holiday seasons bring out the weird in everybody.
We have been on the go for quite some time and I found myself low of provisions at my home. I decided that a Whopper sounded great as this was the last commercial I saw on television. Admittedly the Whopper Virgins add campaign is a little awkward. I mean what if people at Burger King didn't do their research and ended up in some place that worships cows and then they started feeding their product to them? It is just one more reason for the rest of the world to hate us. We have the best intentions, but what's the adage, The road to heartache is paved with good intentions.
I drove to our local Burger King establishment and got in line. I was the only person in line and the lady behind the counter was in her mid to late 40's and obviously questioning every bad decision in her life. She just stared at me. It was one of those moment of silences that makes everyone uncomfortable. I decided to break the silence by blurting out my order. She looked at me with a look of disgust and then walked away. She stuck her head through the widow to the prep area and barked at a couple of people back there.
I stood there patiently and didn't move. I really wanted my food and was not in the mood to go anywhere else. By this point, I am still trying to be polite, but my patients is running thin. She came back over and instead of any sort of polite introduction, she barked at me and said, "What do you want." I still wanted to give her one last chance since this is the Christmas season, you know, Peace on Earth and all that Happy horse shit. I gave her my order and she pushed it into the computer and started to assemble it.
Se turned back to the prep window and started to scream at the people behind there for being so slow. She yelled for fries, she yelled for burgers and she yelled just to be yelling. Now I have worked in a fast food joint before and looking up on the walls, I could see where she had won all of these customer care awards. I must have caught her on a bad day. Sorry about her luck, I don't take this sort of behavior. If the person is mad at me that's one thing, I don't do the verbal abuse of a subordinate. This is Burger King for Fuck Sake!!
A little girl walked up and wanted to change the toy she got in her kids meal. A simple request, but she snatched up the toy and I could hear her cursing the little girl under her breath as she swapped it out. I was done. I was just waiting for her to come back to me and I was going to say something, but she turned again and fired someone in the prep area. I understand sometimes people need to be fired from their jobs, but this was not the time or way to do it.
I then saw her assemble my order. She took the food and placed the food in the bag like Jordan placed a basketball into a basket. She slammed the food down. She was mad, but I was going to get even. She handed the food to me and started to turn away. I yelled at her to get her attention and said, "If your so good, fire everyone and do it all yourself." She stared at me for moment and then started to turn away. By this time we had a crowd behind me but I was not about to let this go. "By the way, you messed up my order. I ordered.." and told her "and received..." and I told her what I had received. She started to apologize, but I cut her off. I dropped the hammer on her, "Stop eating the fries, your ass is too big to fit behind the counter, stop being so nice to the customers, I would love nothing more than to dump these burgers everywhere, but you would just have one of the help clean it up, You have to be the pissiest person I have ever seen at a restaurant."
I turned and walked out. Everyone was staring at me. Fixing a burger is not Rocket Surgery. She made it one of the most unappetizing visits to any restaurant. I don't wish ill on anyone, but I wouldn't mind if she had an accident with large box of lettuce or something.
We have been on the go for quite some time and I found myself low of provisions at my home. I decided that a Whopper sounded great as this was the last commercial I saw on television. Admittedly the Whopper Virgins add campaign is a little awkward. I mean what if people at Burger King didn't do their research and ended up in some place that worships cows and then they started feeding their product to them? It is just one more reason for the rest of the world to hate us. We have the best intentions, but what's the adage, The road to heartache is paved with good intentions.
I drove to our local Burger King establishment and got in line. I was the only person in line and the lady behind the counter was in her mid to late 40's and obviously questioning every bad decision in her life. She just stared at me. It was one of those moment of silences that makes everyone uncomfortable. I decided to break the silence by blurting out my order. She looked at me with a look of disgust and then walked away. She stuck her head through the widow to the prep area and barked at a couple of people back there.
I stood there patiently and didn't move. I really wanted my food and was not in the mood to go anywhere else. By this point, I am still trying to be polite, but my patients is running thin. She came back over and instead of any sort of polite introduction, she barked at me and said, "What do you want." I still wanted to give her one last chance since this is the Christmas season, you know, Peace on Earth and all that Happy horse shit. I gave her my order and she pushed it into the computer and started to assemble it.
Se turned back to the prep window and started to scream at the people behind there for being so slow. She yelled for fries, she yelled for burgers and she yelled just to be yelling. Now I have worked in a fast food joint before and looking up on the walls, I could see where she had won all of these customer care awards. I must have caught her on a bad day. Sorry about her luck, I don't take this sort of behavior. If the person is mad at me that's one thing, I don't do the verbal abuse of a subordinate. This is Burger King for Fuck Sake!!
A little girl walked up and wanted to change the toy she got in her kids meal. A simple request, but she snatched up the toy and I could hear her cursing the little girl under her breath as she swapped it out. I was done. I was just waiting for her to come back to me and I was going to say something, but she turned again and fired someone in the prep area. I understand sometimes people need to be fired from their jobs, but this was not the time or way to do it.
I then saw her assemble my order. She took the food and placed the food in the bag like Jordan placed a basketball into a basket. She slammed the food down. She was mad, but I was going to get even. She handed the food to me and started to turn away. I yelled at her to get her attention and said, "If your so good, fire everyone and do it all yourself." She stared at me for moment and then started to turn away. By this time we had a crowd behind me but I was not about to let this go. "By the way, you messed up my order. I ordered.." and told her "and received..." and I told her what I had received. She started to apologize, but I cut her off. I dropped the hammer on her, "Stop eating the fries, your ass is too big to fit behind the counter, stop being so nice to the customers, I would love nothing more than to dump these burgers everywhere, but you would just have one of the help clean it up, You have to be the pissiest person I have ever seen at a restaurant."
I turned and walked out. Everyone was staring at me. Fixing a burger is not Rocket Surgery. She made it one of the most unappetizing visits to any restaurant. I don't wish ill on anyone, but I wouldn't mind if she had an accident with large box of lettuce or something.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Healthy competition
I have a friend who is blind. This is and of itself is not that big of a deal. My father was a Special Education teacher while I was growing up. He has since retired from the noble profession, but I have spent a lot of time with people with different handicaps. I never really thought about my buddy being disabled and I don't treat him that way.
We have many spirited debates about the different aspects of life. Most of these debates revolved around sex. I have heard complaints from him that he does not get it enough from his wife to which I fired back that he wants it 5 or 6 times a day and the poor woman would be walking with a permanent limp. I also know he cares about his wife, but I also tell him that his ideal woman is someone upright and breathing. He huffed about this to which I corrected myself and said, "I'm sorry, I forgot, they don't need to be upright." He called me a nut for this.
He is also an avid Wii player. He is pretty good at it. When I say, I beat him 3 times out of 5, it's true. He is good but not as good as me, but then again I cheat. Think what you will, I will cheat to win even with a blind guy. He has had a Wii for quite some time and he told me that he and his wife would play naked Wii sports from time to time. When I told him that I had purchased a Wii as well, he said, "You going to play naked Wii sports?" "NO!" I said, "Not with you." He chuckled and said, "Not with you goof." and before he could finish his sentence, I interrupted him and said, "I don't think my wife will want to play with you either." He told me to shut up and and go away.
We have many spirited debates about the different aspects of life. Most of these debates revolved around sex. I have heard complaints from him that he does not get it enough from his wife to which I fired back that he wants it 5 or 6 times a day and the poor woman would be walking with a permanent limp. I also know he cares about his wife, but I also tell him that his ideal woman is someone upright and breathing. He huffed about this to which I corrected myself and said, "I'm sorry, I forgot, they don't need to be upright." He called me a nut for this.
He is also an avid Wii player. He is pretty good at it. When I say, I beat him 3 times out of 5, it's true. He is good but not as good as me, but then again I cheat. Think what you will, I will cheat to win even with a blind guy. He has had a Wii for quite some time and he told me that he and his wife would play naked Wii sports from time to time. When I told him that I had purchased a Wii as well, he said, "You going to play naked Wii sports?" "NO!" I said, "Not with you." He chuckled and said, "Not with you goof." and before he could finish his sentence, I interrupted him and said, "I don't think my wife will want to play with you either." He told me to shut up and and go away.
Crash Landings
I found out today that I am being transferred for my job. The only thing that would have made the day better would have been to see my Manager's face when she found out about it. You all know who I am talking about yes, T-Bag. She is off of work for the holiday season. I really have my doubts that she even knows how to spell Christmas.
I will miss everyone I work with but with a few exceptions. My blind buddy and and I went to the happiest place on earth (McDonald's) the other day and he got sick. He was mentoring a couple of new employees and asked me to take over. I thought he was coming right back, but after a while, I began to wonder. I went into the bathroom to find him sprawled out on the floor. I kicked into action, but he said he was okay and that he didn't need any help. I was going to go in for CPR, but I am still a little queasy about kissing another guy. By the way, this isn't the first time I found a buddy of mine passed out on a restroom floor. I know I talk about the restrooms a lot, please don't take it the wrong way. My room mate in college shot gunned a Fifth of Jack Daniels and then headed off to the bathroom. He too was gone for a while. I went and found him passed out on the floor with his pants off. I am not really sure why his pants were off, but I had to drag his drunk ass back to our room. I was really worried about him for a while, but he started to come around and I eventually fell asleep. Later that night, I was on the top bunk when I heard him get up. He stood up and I clapped him on the back and said that I was glad he was up when I heard him taking a piss. He pissed on our alarm clock and fish tank. Yes the fish and radio both died.
Speaking of taking things the wrong way, there is a guy in my office whom shall remain nameless, but he bares a striking resemblance to Charlie Brown. Today we were talking and he was rather restless. I asked him what was his problem, and he said that he was waiting on a marriage certificate to clear a claim. I, being the magnificent smart ass that I am fired back, "Congratulations, who's the lucky lady." To which he replied, "You assume it's lady." Obviously this is a gay joke, but the thing was, he was not joking. I forgot he called to work a couple of weeks ago on the 'National Call in Gay day.' It's an awkward moment to say the least when someone comes out of the closet.
I will miss everyone I work with but with a few exceptions. My blind buddy and and I went to the happiest place on earth (McDonald's) the other day and he got sick. He was mentoring a couple of new employees and asked me to take over. I thought he was coming right back, but after a while, I began to wonder. I went into the bathroom to find him sprawled out on the floor. I kicked into action, but he said he was okay and that he didn't need any help. I was going to go in for CPR, but I am still a little queasy about kissing another guy. By the way, this isn't the first time I found a buddy of mine passed out on a restroom floor. I know I talk about the restrooms a lot, please don't take it the wrong way. My room mate in college shot gunned a Fifth of Jack Daniels and then headed off to the bathroom. He too was gone for a while. I went and found him passed out on the floor with his pants off. I am not really sure why his pants were off, but I had to drag his drunk ass back to our room. I was really worried about him for a while, but he started to come around and I eventually fell asleep. Later that night, I was on the top bunk when I heard him get up. He stood up and I clapped him on the back and said that I was glad he was up when I heard him taking a piss. He pissed on our alarm clock and fish tank. Yes the fish and radio both died.
Speaking of taking things the wrong way, there is a guy in my office whom shall remain nameless, but he bares a striking resemblance to Charlie Brown. Today we were talking and he was rather restless. I asked him what was his problem, and he said that he was waiting on a marriage certificate to clear a claim. I, being the magnificent smart ass that I am fired back, "Congratulations, who's the lucky lady." To which he replied, "You assume it's lady." Obviously this is a gay joke, but the thing was, he was not joking. I forgot he called to work a couple of weeks ago on the 'National Call in Gay day.' It's an awkward moment to say the least when someone comes out of the closet.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Nothing party's like a rental
So far, Blitzen's ass has cost me $5600.00 plus $250.00 deductible. The damage done to my car when I hit the deer was a little more extensive that what I expected, but I do take solace in the fact that somewhere in Central Ohio, there is a deer running around with the word FORD tattooed across the rear half of his body.
Life has been chaotic since this all happened. I have met several different people with varying degrees of morality in all of this. I have been relatively docile during this entire process allowing myself to be lead around by the hand, but when I was sitting at the dealership, I started to emerge from my shell. The girl behind the counter was nice enough and she was kind enough to get me a rental car and here is where it gets interesting.
Enterprise stepped up and provided a car for me. When the Enterprise guy showed up and asked for me, I numbly followed him out into the rain to see a 2007 Kia Spectra sitting there just idling. I looked around for a second hoping this was not the car I got to drive for the next couple of weeks. It is a good enough car, but this is the exactly same car that my wife drives. I just wanted a different car just to be driving something different. I looked at the car and told the guy, "Ah, I see you brought me an Asian Bentley."
He chuckled slightly at the crack, but I could tell he did not want to be there. It was raining and as he was just trying to do his job, I asked "Can I trade it it?" He replied "For what." Without hesitating, I fired back, "A Ferrari?" He chuckled again, but he was getting colder as the weather and answered my question, "No, we're all out." I am not one to just let something go so I continued, "How about a Porsche, BMW, Audi?" He just shook his head. "Volvo?" I just wanted to keep beating this dead horse.
The walk around ended extremely abruptly. There was nothing else to say. I had pushed him to his limits and he was finished. He showed me where the door was and I signed the paper work and then sat down in the car. Just as I was about to close the door all the way, I had one last jab for the guy, "Nothing party's like a rental." and shut the door. The look on his face almost made the whole ordeal worth while. Yea maybe it was a bit of an asshole thing to do, but I just felt like being an asshole. Freud can go get bent.
Life has been chaotic since this all happened. I have met several different people with varying degrees of morality in all of this. I have been relatively docile during this entire process allowing myself to be lead around by the hand, but when I was sitting at the dealership, I started to emerge from my shell. The girl behind the counter was nice enough and she was kind enough to get me a rental car and here is where it gets interesting.
Enterprise stepped up and provided a car for me. When the Enterprise guy showed up and asked for me, I numbly followed him out into the rain to see a 2007 Kia Spectra sitting there just idling. I looked around for a second hoping this was not the car I got to drive for the next couple of weeks. It is a good enough car, but this is the exactly same car that my wife drives. I just wanted a different car just to be driving something different. I looked at the car and told the guy, "Ah, I see you brought me an Asian Bentley."
He chuckled slightly at the crack, but I could tell he did not want to be there. It was raining and as he was just trying to do his job, I asked "Can I trade it it?" He replied "For what." Without hesitating, I fired back, "A Ferrari?" He chuckled again, but he was getting colder as the weather and answered my question, "No, we're all out." I am not one to just let something go so I continued, "How about a Porsche, BMW, Audi?" He just shook his head. "Volvo?" I just wanted to keep beating this dead horse.
The walk around ended extremely abruptly. There was nothing else to say. I had pushed him to his limits and he was finished. He showed me where the door was and I signed the paper work and then sat down in the car. Just as I was about to close the door all the way, I had one last jab for the guy, "Nothing party's like a rental." and shut the door. The look on his face almost made the whole ordeal worth while. Yea maybe it was a bit of an asshole thing to do, but I just felt like being an asshole. Freud can go get bent.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Revenge for grandma Pt 2
The assistance I received from the different sources was running at about 50%. Half of the people I talked to were helpful and the other half, well, Let's just say, they had been in the back hollow too long.
The AAA person was about as helpful as "tits on a boar hog," as my father would say. She called back to my cell phone twice, but both times it went strait to my voice mail but she did not leave a call back number each time. Both of her messages were saying that I should call her back. I would have loved to call her back, but first, no number and second, no power on the cell to call her back. I guess she thought I was joking when I told her that I didn't have any power left.
The tow truck driver was an interesting character. I can only guess that he ate too many paint chips growing up. He just would not stop talking the entire time. I know his entire family history dating back to Columbus's first trip to the New World. I also know each and every job he has ever worked at. Talking to him was like talking to a mule. He hewed and hawed and brayed and getting a word in edgewise was impossible. I just let him go and do his thing. He also thought that he belonged on the Formula 1 Circuit. With a rollback and my car sitting on the back of the truck, the dude broke the sound barrier twice while coming back. He also thought that red lights were more of a suggestion than an actual law to be obeyed. He thought on the subject was "I'm bigger than they are, I'll win."
The State Trooper which showed up was the nicest person I had to deal with. She was very professional and I am eternally grateful to her. She was pretty, but had shorter hair than I do. (please see "Going Bald and Loving it.") My girls instantly fell in love with her. My oldest stated that she wanted to be a police officer when she grew up. Now just a week prior to this, she told me she wanted to be a magician. I am not holding my breath for either.
My girls and the Trooper all shared cookies and my oldest got the chance to sit in the front of the car with the Trooper. I told my daughter to not touch anything in the front of the car. I could just imagine her hitting the trigger on the riot shot gun and blowing a hole in the roof of her car and knocking the light bar off of the top of the car.
When my parents both finally showed up, My mother took pictures of the girls in the back seat of the police cruiser (for future use). She also took pictures of my girls with the Trooper. The three of them charmed each other and had a blast. The Trooper said that was a get out of jail free card. My response was that it might get her out of jail, but it would not save her from me.
When they had left the scene, the Trooper asked if there was anything else I needed from her. I told her that I wanted to borrow her gun for a few minutes. She laughed but said that she did not give her gun to anyone. I told her that was just as well, I would probably end up missing some appendages before it was all said and done. I also told her that I didn't plan on shooting the deer, but was just going to beat it to death.
Out of all this excitement, the deer got up and scampered off. Now to those tree hugging ass grabbing numb nut PETA lovers. I am all about being humane to animals, but the deer species just hit my shit list. I now put them on the same par as snakes, spiders and yeti as animals I wouldn't mind being served as test animals in a lab somewhere.
If the deer had not run off, I would have put it out of my misery by choking it to death or ripping it's throat out with my own teeth a la Jeremiah Johnson, but I digress. Anyone who has killed a deer at the expense of their car, you have my sympathy and I now have a new wish for those people in life of whom, I care very little about.
The AAA person was about as helpful as "tits on a boar hog," as my father would say. She called back to my cell phone twice, but both times it went strait to my voice mail but she did not leave a call back number each time. Both of her messages were saying that I should call her back. I would have loved to call her back, but first, no number and second, no power on the cell to call her back. I guess she thought I was joking when I told her that I didn't have any power left.
The tow truck driver was an interesting character. I can only guess that he ate too many paint chips growing up. He just would not stop talking the entire time. I know his entire family history dating back to Columbus's first trip to the New World. I also know each and every job he has ever worked at. Talking to him was like talking to a mule. He hewed and hawed and brayed and getting a word in edgewise was impossible. I just let him go and do his thing. He also thought that he belonged on the Formula 1 Circuit. With a rollback and my car sitting on the back of the truck, the dude broke the sound barrier twice while coming back. He also thought that red lights were more of a suggestion than an actual law to be obeyed. He thought on the subject was "I'm bigger than they are, I'll win."
The State Trooper which showed up was the nicest person I had to deal with. She was very professional and I am eternally grateful to her. She was pretty, but had shorter hair than I do. (please see "Going Bald and Loving it.") My girls instantly fell in love with her. My oldest stated that she wanted to be a police officer when she grew up. Now just a week prior to this, she told me she wanted to be a magician. I am not holding my breath for either.
My girls and the Trooper all shared cookies and my oldest got the chance to sit in the front of the car with the Trooper. I told my daughter to not touch anything in the front of the car. I could just imagine her hitting the trigger on the riot shot gun and blowing a hole in the roof of her car and knocking the light bar off of the top of the car.
When my parents both finally showed up, My mother took pictures of the girls in the back seat of the police cruiser (for future use). She also took pictures of my girls with the Trooper. The three of them charmed each other and had a blast. The Trooper said that was a get out of jail free card. My response was that it might get her out of jail, but it would not save her from me.
When they had left the scene, the Trooper asked if there was anything else I needed from her. I told her that I wanted to borrow her gun for a few minutes. She laughed but said that she did not give her gun to anyone. I told her that was just as well, I would probably end up missing some appendages before it was all said and done. I also told her that I didn't plan on shooting the deer, but was just going to beat it to death.
Out of all this excitement, the deer got up and scampered off. Now to those tree hugging ass grabbing numb nut PETA lovers. I am all about being humane to animals, but the deer species just hit my shit list. I now put them on the same par as snakes, spiders and yeti as animals I wouldn't mind being served as test animals in a lab somewhere.
If the deer had not run off, I would have put it out of my misery by choking it to death or ripping it's throat out with my own teeth a la Jeremiah Johnson, but I digress. Anyone who has killed a deer at the expense of their car, you have my sympathy and I now have a new wish for those people in life of whom, I care very little about.
Revenge for grandma
As the song goes, "Grandma got run over by a reindeer..." I will say I took revenge upon the deer population yesterday in her memory. I am not a doctor but I was able to put the front end of my car half way up the ass of a deer yesterday.
I was driving back from my parents house yesterday. I was on this two lane country road and everyone in the car was asleep. Things were going great, we were making good time, I was listening to my music the sun was starting to set and all was perfect with the world. The weather was unusually warm for a December and we had just finished up a really nice weekend. I had a chance to have dinner with my best friend and his family on Saturday, the Cincinnati Bengals had just one a football game and all just seemed right with the world.
I had rounded a bend in the road and was just about to the massive four lane highway which would whisk us safely home. That's when I saw Blitzen. He had darted across the road well ahead of me and my instincts took over. I let off of the gas and gently tapped the breaks on my car. I watched the first dear run into the field to the right when in the corner of my eye to the left, I saw the second deer. I will affectionately refer to this deer as a Cannon Fodder.
Cannon Fodder broke for the same field as Blitzen had gone. Cannon Fodder was a lot farther behind his buddy and when I saw him start onto the road, I tired to push the clutch and break pedals through the floor board of my car. It was my version of the Flintstones, but to no avail. As CF crossed into my lane he stopped, (dip shit) and looked up at me. Just before I gave him the rectal exam from hell, our eyes met. He seemed to be daring me to hit him. I guess he thought I had that insurance which pays you cash when you can't work.
When Cannon Fodder and my car met, my car initially won. Cannon Fodder shot strait up into the air like an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile. He looked at me the entire way up. It was kind of funny to see the shock and awe in his eye. CF seemed to be questioning why I would do such a thing. As he went flying through the air, his body had been pitched up side down and in true Wylie E. Coyote fashion, his legs were still running.
The impact stalled my car out. CF landed on the road a few feet from the car and cartwheeled into the weeds. By now, everyone in the car was awake and wondering what had happened. I was looking over the bent hood of my car at the deer and trying not to curse profusely. We were in a blind spot in the road so I started the car up and and drove it to the side of the road and started to make the phone calls.
My first call was to my father, I needed to secure transportation for myself and my family. My father, who has also bagged a deer with a Minivan, asked me what was wrong. I told him I had hit a deer. My father is a great guy, but I was under a lot of stress at this point in time, and he said "You hit a what?" I have been a smart ass for the better part of 10 years and even now that pops up and I fired back. "I hit a big brown furry creature with my fucking car!" There was a moment of silence and the he asked me where I was at. I told him and he was on his way. I then called the State Police and AAA. And all was well.
So I lied. By now "dear" readers of my blog, you should know that things are not that simple in my life. It turns out giving a deer a tattoo with a Ford hood ornament is the easy part. Dealing with the people who specialize in this sort of thing is a whole different ballgame.
I called AAA for assistance, and as it turns out, I got a person who had been on the job for approximately 4 hours. She was a new hire and I know she meant well, but evidently she had not been farther away from home that 400 yards. She asked me what City and State I was in. I told her that I was not in any city, but on a country road. She asked me what state I was in and I told her Ohio. There was a long pause and she asked me again what city I was in. I was not in any city and she had a very difficult time grasping this concept. Ohio is a big state filled with several metropolitan cities, but I was not anywhere close to any of these. She didn't seem to grasp the concept I could not be in any one of these areas.
To be continued...
I was driving back from my parents house yesterday. I was on this two lane country road and everyone in the car was asleep. Things were going great, we were making good time, I was listening to my music the sun was starting to set and all was perfect with the world. The weather was unusually warm for a December and we had just finished up a really nice weekend. I had a chance to have dinner with my best friend and his family on Saturday, the Cincinnati Bengals had just one a football game and all just seemed right with the world.
I had rounded a bend in the road and was just about to the massive four lane highway which would whisk us safely home. That's when I saw Blitzen. He had darted across the road well ahead of me and my instincts took over. I let off of the gas and gently tapped the breaks on my car. I watched the first dear run into the field to the right when in the corner of my eye to the left, I saw the second deer. I will affectionately refer to this deer as a Cannon Fodder.
Cannon Fodder broke for the same field as Blitzen had gone. Cannon Fodder was a lot farther behind his buddy and when I saw him start onto the road, I tired to push the clutch and break pedals through the floor board of my car. It was my version of the Flintstones, but to no avail. As CF crossed into my lane he stopped, (dip shit) and looked up at me. Just before I gave him the rectal exam from hell, our eyes met. He seemed to be daring me to hit him. I guess he thought I had that insurance which pays you cash when you can't work.
When Cannon Fodder and my car met, my car initially won. Cannon Fodder shot strait up into the air like an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile. He looked at me the entire way up. It was kind of funny to see the shock and awe in his eye. CF seemed to be questioning why I would do such a thing. As he went flying through the air, his body had been pitched up side down and in true Wylie E. Coyote fashion, his legs were still running.
The impact stalled my car out. CF landed on the road a few feet from the car and cartwheeled into the weeds. By now, everyone in the car was awake and wondering what had happened. I was looking over the bent hood of my car at the deer and trying not to curse profusely. We were in a blind spot in the road so I started the car up and and drove it to the side of the road and started to make the phone calls.
My first call was to my father, I needed to secure transportation for myself and my family. My father, who has also bagged a deer with a Minivan, asked me what was wrong. I told him I had hit a deer. My father is a great guy, but I was under a lot of stress at this point in time, and he said "You hit a what?" I have been a smart ass for the better part of 10 years and even now that pops up and I fired back. "I hit a big brown furry creature with my fucking car!" There was a moment of silence and the he asked me where I was at. I told him and he was on his way. I then called the State Police and AAA. And all was well.
So I lied. By now "dear" readers of my blog, you should know that things are not that simple in my life. It turns out giving a deer a tattoo with a Ford hood ornament is the easy part. Dealing with the people who specialize in this sort of thing is a whole different ballgame.
I called AAA for assistance, and as it turns out, I got a person who had been on the job for approximately 4 hours. She was a new hire and I know she meant well, but evidently she had not been farther away from home that 400 yards. She asked me what City and State I was in. I told her that I was not in any city, but on a country road. She asked me what state I was in and I told her Ohio. There was a long pause and she asked me again what city I was in. I was not in any city and she had a very difficult time grasping this concept. Ohio is a big state filled with several metropolitan cities, but I was not anywhere close to any of these. She didn't seem to grasp the concept I could not be in any one of these areas.
To be continued...
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